Sep 23, 2012

Creature of Anger


A war is raging . Echoes of shrieking from a creature of madness . Running berserk and smashing everything around . It pays no heed to the voices of redemption . Its is trying to rip itself open to release the frustration . A war is raging , in my mind .

Can no longer take it , can no longer control it . The walls of my mind keep breaking down . The creature’s prison shattered to pieces .It keeps biting and kicking , slamming against everything .

It had drowned out the day , making its miserable . Music , movies and nothing couldn’t stand in its way . The exiled creature is back to claim its price after years . A day long torment wont be enough , it asks for more .


A small sign of weakness , disappointment and hurt , the sense of isolation and abandonment has eased the walls of its prison . I can feel the earth tremble below my eyes or is it me trembling . Its growling is making me mad .

I have to imprison it or sink it down , I cannot let it loose or it will waste everything . Im trying all that I could , but its all because of you . You have let it loose …….the anger , the madness contained in myself .

Pushing the limit


No one knows anyone completely , we choose what to show and what to see . There are always some exceptions to this like our Mom , Dad or a very close friend who you have given the keys to open many doors of our life .

I cannot comment on how the Gen-Pop is , but I do no trust anyone with those keys that easily . There are always tests before you get to trust someone completely and let them in and there is always someone , who just directly gets into your heart , you cant explain why but that always happens . There are always some people in everyone’s life who just earn our trust in a very short time and become our world outside family , sometimes as everything . In my case , it’s a friend .

Many walls around me ,just turned to dust for him . This level of trust and the “no-limit” relationship is new to me . I had serious doubts , I just couldn’t believe myself that I smashed and changed so many for him . My friend sensed my perturbations . No explanations could convince me or erase the doubts I had as to why I changed for him . So involuntarily I kept testing him . He clearly knew what I was doing , he understood me and let me do whatever I want . Every single test ,proved me wrong . Then slowly things developed , I understood TRUE friendship .

My ability to clean my mind of the hurtful things people have told me , either intentionally or the other way around , is seriously bad . They just get glued to my memories and wont fade away . Whenever I get cranky , all these come to my mind and just makes things worse . I don’t mind saying anything bad to those who intentionally told me things , but not to those who might have told things accidentally or for fun . But I couldn’t prevent myself from doing so . I just hurt them . Apologizing later might cool things a bit , but I often leave a scar .

I have been doing the same thing , even to the friend I talked about . When I sulk , I prick . Opening up so much for a person have made me develop  a few expectations and at sometimes they do hurt . Well not just me but the one involved as well . I shout , and at times I don’t . I talk indifferently to him , but I let him know that im hurt . Few minutes past , I realize that the fault is mine and I apologize . But those few minutes of anger , makes me say so many things that I regret later .

To this person , everything is always way beyond extra . Its just limitless . My friendship and anger – both . Its like , when there is any issue or problem – work or in general, I show it all to him , even if he didn’t do anything wrong . I let out my steam , even if he doesn’t even have any idea of what happened . But the best part is , he stands upfront , takes it all , listens to it all and finally when I am done , he jokes at something and make me laugh or probably sing , at times . He almost takes in everything I say and just smiles back . I wonder how a person can be this patient .

If he had done something wrong (acc to me) or didn’t do something that he promised he would , I jump in anger and even then , he smiles and apologizes. Once I asked him , if he will ever get fed up or angry – he just smiled and said never . Every time after such an incident , I go through a phase of self-loathing , shame and seeking apology . But everytime , I keep wondering if I am pushing it too hard and worried if things might break . These almost happen regularly . My worries that I am making things hard for him and that I keep torturing him and that I steal away his space , keep getting worse and I end up going through those phases again .

I hope he is as strong as he is now , and take all this in . I have invested so much in him and I certainly don’t want things to go south . May be I actually will change as I have in may areas , just for him .